Today, while grocery shopping for my mother-in-law Aida, I attempted to gauge the prevailing "vibe" of the places I went. Over the weekend, I was annoyed at the hoards of hoarding shoppers and chose to avoid stores. Today, I had the strong feeling that the people shopping were looking out for each other, although we have been urged by our government to practice "social distancing" to help arrest the spread of the nasty virus that has disrupted so much of our world's business. When something bad affects all of us, we tend to unify. I am taking comfort in that.
Our church is now observing our traditional strict pre-Easter Lent that involves a vegan diet (with shellfish allowed), longer services, and a quieter, more contemplative daily life. Church buildings are currently ordered closed for public services, but many, including ours, remains open for individuals to come and pray. Our clergy are still conducting services every day, although they are closed to the congregation. Fortunately, modern technology allows easy access to webcast services. Churches may be closed, but prayer is intensified.
During February and March, we pay special attention to Black History and Women's History, respectively. I have found myself pondering the unfathomable losses to American society over the last few centuries because some people in our past believed they could legitimately rob other people of their God-given right to self-determination and development of their talents and interests. If we look around at the marvelous accomplishments of black people and women in recent years, it is easy to conclude that there is no counting the cost of oppression.
During my childhood, I was exposed to the bigoted ideas of several family members, which left me perplexed. We were being taught in our schools--where we studied and played with kids of many colors and backgrounds--that everyone is equal in the mind of God and the eyes of U.S. law. How could these relatives I loved say such awful things? The saying "old habits die hard" partially explains such uncharitable attitudes but does not excuse them.
Ironies and Turn-Arounds
Mom came of age in the 1950s. She told me she longed for a career in the Air Force after having taken part in the Civil Air Patrol. But the prevailing attitude of her family was that respectable ladies got married and raised children. Mom married Dad when she was 19. They did not have children right away, so Mom worked at a bank in downtown L.A. for the first four years of their marriage. Both Dad and Mom have told me their early years as a working married couple were very happy. Their income was good and they had a lot of fun together.
They never told me my arrival in 1961 was the end of their fun, but Mom admitted to missing her job outside the house. Two more daughters and a divorce later, Mom was back to work. Dad stayed involved with us for a while, but he remarried and had more children and could not handle two demanding households. The situation was difficult for both families. Dad blames himself for that, but there are many blessings attached to that complicated situation.
In Dad's absence, a very tight bond developed between Mom and we three sisters. The love, respect, and high degree of trust that exists between Denise, Cynthia, and I is a direct result of that bond. I would not change that for anything. Nor would I wish to be without cherished relationships with siblings and other relatives resulting from Dad's second marriage. In the end, it does not matter much how we end up with certain people; it is what we make of those relationships that matters.
As Mom neared the end of her earthly life, surrounded by her devoted daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren, she declared that the crowning achievement of her life, that brought her the most satisfaction, was being a mother and grandmother.
A favorite photo of Mom with one of us, probably Denise
Mom's mother, who we called Grandma Shug (for "sugar"), was strong-willed and often locked horns with men in the family who dared to challenge her opinions. Dad had trouble getting along with her. Mom, and other women in the family, sometimes tip-toed around her. She was sometimes tough with me, too, but I so admired her!
Grandma holding me (in red) and my cousin Robin, 1962
Grandma was a bit ahead of her time. Two of Grandma's great-grandfathers had fought for the Confederacy and one had held slaves, but you could not tell from her attitude. I remember conversations with her in which she denounced people who did not like "hippies." As long as people behaved decently, she did not care how they dressed or what color they were.
During the 1940s, when Mom's family lived in Mississippi, they took into their home a black lady and her children after her husband abandoned them. Grandma treated this lady and her kids like family and let them stay until they got on their feet. Grandma was also part of a committee that raised money to help supply their local black school. When the school district spent the money on a gym for the white high school instead, Grandma was livid.
Grandma died suddenly of a stroke just weeks before her 59th birthday (too bull-headed to take her blood-pressure medicine, according to Mom). Having just passed my 59th birthday at the beginning of this month, I am mourning her a bit more recently.
Stay well, everyone! Let's keep taking care of each other!!
Annie
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
--Bruce Lee
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